A Political Buggery (2005 Edition)

by T Newfields

Species:    Bush Bug  (Coleoptera Brutus)

Habitat:    Native to Texas, but infesting many parts of America.

Size:       Intellectually small, but with an impressive wing span.

Feeds on:   Thrives in "us-vs-them" fearful conditions and "either-or" 
            thinking environments, especially when oil is abundant.

Features:   Very territorial and hierarchical.
            Known to destroy  "uncooperative" insects
            and produce large amounts of toxic waste.

Predators:  None, but does poorly in open sunlight.
            Prefers shady conditions and operates undercover. 

Species:    Bin Laden Hopper (Aeoloplides Arabus)

Habitat:    Thought to fourish in dry climates of the Middle East.
            Thrives best when volatile mixtures of cash, 
            oil, and ideology exist.

Size:       Larger than life: mythological proportions.

Feeds on:   Anti-US sentiment and social injustice.
            Also found in petroleum-rich environments
            where Yankee predators siphon off Arab resources.

Features:   Well-camouflaged and often invisible. 
            Able to hop great distances in a single bound. 

Predators:  Exists synergistically with Bush Bugs: they
            both foster and devour each other. 

Species:    Blair Beetle (Elateridae Brittanys)

Habitat:    Native to the UK, but found in many places where 
            extreme income gaps and pseudo-intellectualism prevail.

Size:       Varies depending on media coverage. Usually small and
            feeble, but able to inflate size.

Feeds on:   Requires significant financial support to flourish. Does 
            best in media spotlights and biomes with heavy cash flow.

Features:   Adapts easily to diverse environments, and skilled at
            camouflaging its position. Chirps loudly during election season. 

Predators:  Numerous. Requires camoflague to survive.

Species:    Koiizumi Cricket (Acheta Japonica)

Habitat:    Originally from Nippon, but found whenever banking and 
            big business interests co-mingle.

Size:       Micro-transistor size. Compact, but sophisticated.

Feeds on:   Thrives on large cash donations, ceremonial gestures,
            and nationalistic rhetoric.

Features:   Deposits golden eggs in strategic locations. Popular among
            right-winged insects. Coexists favorably with Bush Bugs.

Predators:  Dragonflies and midges devour this insect when the 
            opportunity arises. Koiizumi Crickets are particularly
            vulnerable around Shinto shrines.