If Dogs Could Talk: An On-the-Spot Interview

by T Newfields

Spot is a bitch from the Bronx. Once top dog in her neighborhood and the envy of many mongrels, she now lives near a garbage heap after mage caught up with her. This interview was conducted in April 1999 near a fire hydrant near Throggs Neck in the southeastern Bronx.
Tim: Basically, what do you like most about being a dog?
Spot: Well, you can sniff all kinds of things and chase rats. You can also bark a lot and howl at night. And if you do something wrong, generally you're forgiven quickly. Most people say "dumb dog" then forget it. Dumb people!
Tim: How did you find your master?
Spot: He found me . . . I was abandoned by my previous owner and put out on the street. One day while shifting through some garbage, my master found me. I guess he had a soft spot. However, after he died his son (who was allergic to dogs and cats)had no qualms about putting me out on the street. No earthly master lasts forever.
Tim: Did your master treat you fairly?
Spot: What is fair? That whole concept is defined by humans, isn't it? If you define "fair" as being kept on a leash, given the leftovers to chew on, and getting gelded, and occasionally thrown a bone then I was treated fairly. In a way, I suppose death is also fair: it comes to all: rich or poor, humman or canine, proud or humble.
Tim: How do you deal with felines?
Spot: Generally I ignore 'em. Now and then I chase a few pussies, but that soon gets boring.
Tim: You seem to be a mixed breed. Do people acknowledge your multi-ethnic heritage?
Spot: I'm not concerned with people. I am what I am – screw anyone who cannot accept it.
Tim: Do you feel much kinship with other canines?
Spot: Yes, I feel a deep connection with all dogs, particularly those used in lab experiments or sold for meat. So many of us get the raw end of the stick!
Tim: But isn't it a dog-eat-dog world?
Spot: Well, a new age of Canine Awareness is approaching. More and more dogs are sensing their connection with fellow canines. Moreover, humans are so foolish – although they pretend to be top dogs of this world, they are pathetic muts.
Tim: Thanks for giving us some thoughts to chew on.
Spot: (chuckling) Make no bones about it!