A Political Buggery:

(2017 Update)

by T Newfields
Trump Sucker
Species:    Trump Sucker  (Taenia Trumpi)

Habitat:    Thrives in places with conservative white males and evangelicals,
            but willing to latch onto any viable host. This parasite is found 
            in the stool samples of many middle-class Americans. 

Size:       Can grow to enormous lengths and likes to brag about its size.

Feeds on:   Xenophobia and disinformation are primary food sources. Media coverage 
            is essential for this attention-craving pest.

Features:   Genital area oddly warped. Hairy filaments near the microscopic head. 
            90% of this creature's energy is devoted to feeding and reproduction.

Predators:  Claims that all mainstream media are predatory.
Bush Bug
Species:    Bush Bug  (Coleoptera Brutus)

Habitat:    Native to Texas, but infesting many parts of America.

Size:       Intellectually small, but with an impressive wing span.

Feeds on:   Thrives in "us-vs-them" fearful conditions and "either-or" 
            thinking environments, especially when oil is abundant.

Features:   Very territorial and hierarchical.
            Known to destroy "uncooperative" insects
            and produce large amounts of toxic waste.

Predators:  None, but does poorly in open sunlight.
            Prefers shady conditions to operate undercover. 
Bin Laden Hopper
Species:     Bin Laden Hopper  (Aeoloplides Arabus)

Habitat:    Flourishes in dry climates in the Middle East.
            Thrives best when volatile mixtures of cash, 
            oil, and ideology exist.

Size:       Larger than life – mythological proportions.

Feeds on:   Social injustice and anti-Muslim rhetoric help this species thrive.
            Also found in petroleum-rich environments 
            where capitalistic predators siphon off resources.

Features:   Well-camouflaged and often invisible. 
            Able to hop great distances in a single bound. 

Predators:  Exists synergistically with Bush Bugs and Trump Suckers: 
            they both foster and devour each other. 
Blair Beetle
Species:     Blair Beetle  (Elateridae Brittanys)

Habitat:    Native to the UK, but found in many places where 
            extreme income gaps and pseudo-intellectualism prevail.

Size:       Varies depending on media coverage. Usually small and feeble, 
            but able to inflate size. This small creature is a master of disguise!

Feeds on:   Requires significant financial support to flourish. Does 
            best in media spotlights and places with heavy cash flow.

Features:   Adapts to diverse environments, and skilled at
            camouflaging its position. Chirps loudly during election season. 

Predators:  Numerous. Requires camouflage to survive.
Koiizumi Cricket
Species:     Koiizumi Cricket  (Acheta Japonica)

Habitat:    Originally from Nippon, but found whenever banking and 
            big business interests coexist.

Size:       Micro-transistor size. Compact, but sophisticated.

Feeds on:   Thrives on large cash donations, ceremonial gestures,
            and nationalistic rhetoric.

Features:   Deposits eggs in strategic locations. Popular among
            right-winged insects. Coexists favorably with Bush Bugs.

Predators:  Dragonflies and midges enjoy devouring this insect. 
            This species is particularly vulnerable around Shinto shrines.
Ted: (yawning) The problem with political satire is that it gets dated so quickly.
Sam: Yeah. Today's big shock soon becomes yesterday's distant memory.
Tim: The teeth of time shave all words, until eventually all that remains is information entropy.