Patriot Valley Elementary School

Report Card for Clyde Dillybaum

(4th Grade / 3rd Semester)
Arithmetic: D Good at simple addition and subtraction, but baffled by complexity. Clyde isn't concerned with precision - unless money is involved. Often reluctant to change his answers if they're wrong.
English: C Isn't into reading or writing. However, speaks with confidence. Must avoid punching those who disagree.
Science C Interested in worms and insects. Likes mixing chemicals together – especially if they're explosive. Seldom understands what's happening, unfortunately.
History: D This is not a strong subject for Clyde. He's aware of the FOX News version of recent history. Knowledge of geography superficial.
Sports: B Fond of rough sports, but cooperative skills underdeveloped. Moreover, Clyde often threatens to kill opposing team members. He claims to be joking – but others aren't so sure.
Art: C Likes working with clay. Enjoys finger painting.
Social Skills: D Hangs out with local toughies. Strong ingroup / outgroup mentality. Willing to fight for his beliefs.
SUMMARY The first thing I noticed about Clyde was the American flag tattooed to his forehead. I knew we had a real patriot. The next thing I remember about him when he punched a younger student for criticizing our president. Clyde may not be the brightest dude in class – but he's the most assertive. He always makes sure that people know exactly where he stands and doesn't tolerate criticism. Clyde has a small, but loyal cadre of followers. With a more discipline and effort, he'd make an excellent war criminal. A guy like this is a natural born leader. Who knows? One day he might even lead our proud nation.
PRINCIPAL: Wade Waterdown DATE: March 21, 2006