Student Rant #4334

Dear Principal,

Why do some teachers seem like retards? Doesn't this school have better quality control? Some teachers are nothing but over-sized garbage cans that ought to hauled to a waste incineration facility. Scott Lipman and Marci Chung are prime examples.

Supposedly, Lipman is a biology teacher who also coaches freshman PE. In reality, however, he's an all-round jerk who can barely manage to get his fat belly out of his over-sized, gas-guzzling limousine. I don't know how this dude ever got through college. He doesn't seem to know much about biology. In fact, during class he's usually either telling us tiresome football stories or making long-winded political speeches. How will this raise our SAT scores? With incompetent instructors like Lipman, it's a miracle that students learn anything.

Let's consider Madam Chung, who supposedly teaches English. She spends 80% of the time in class bitching at students for not working properly or making enough "effort." Why can't this lady mellow out? She's alienates all but the most pathetic creatures. Sure – Chung cares about excellence. But her view of "excellence" is far too anal-retentive. Can't you offer this teacher some therapeutic counseling? Or possibly put some medication in her coffee to mellow her out? I've never encountered a more maladjusted individual. What's she doing in our school? Doesn't she belong in a psychiatrist's office?

Sometimes I feel tempted to do the school a favor and eliminate these two pernicious artifacts. However, my pastor has advised me that it's against the Bible to kill public school teachers. Therefore I'm writing to you in the hope that you'll figure out a way to get rid of both of these atavistic malcontents.

Thank for your kind effort and if there's anything I can do to show my deep appreciation for your work, please don't hesitate to contact me at any time. My Instagram account is Newfields108 and Twitter account is @tnewfields. My cell phone number is 1-89-100-oh-ohh-ohhh-ohhhh! Feel free to contact me anytime.

Tina Newfields
Age 17
Melissa: What's with this guy? He seemz unreal!
Liao: Well, there are many levels of reality. Perhaps we are all ultimately unreal.
Melissa: Shucks. Responses like that are a real turn off . . .
Liao: Huh? Are you a light switch?