Partner Model 3X-8000

Partner Model 3X-8000: a photo by T Newfields
Can you show me how to operate Partner 3X-8000?
I read the operator's manual long ago,
but so many updates have happened
that my unit has become inoperable.

Consider its volume control switch for example:
why is the 3X-8000 so verbose?
Doesn't this model have an "audio off" switch?

I have no complaints about the 3X-8000's cooking,
and when it comes to cleaning, it functions better
than anything (or anyone) I've seen.

I must admit this unit's bedroom protocols
are oddly mechanical.
However, that was not the primary function
of this machine.

From what I am told,
this unit was designed for companionship.

However, I suspect
it has a programming bug,
Although my opinions are noted,
they are rarely followed:
this machine is independent in many ways.

Why haven't I replaced my Partner?
I must confess the thought has crossed my mind.

Despite its quirks, I've grown fond of my robo-partner:
emotional attachment has no doubt clouded my mind.

I was told that my unit has a lifetime warranty.
However, since my lifetime is nearly complete,
I've decided to stay with this
ditzy, dingy, dazzling piece of malware!

Please do not tell me about new cyborgs,
or mention the many things other units can do.

I want to feel content with my own purchase decisions
even though deep-down
I realize I'm screwed!