I have a heap of papers
& only limited time.
How can I churn out grades
without making others whine?
Should I be lenient & pretend
effort alone counts –
or honest & acknowledge
when ignorance is pronounced?
I can't answer these questions
so will relax in front of the telly instead &
or better yet, seek the advice
of Johnny Walker & Jim Beam.
[1 hr. & a few shots of whisky later]
Okay – back to the business of grading!
[clearing throat while leaning on chair]
Well, this attempt at erudition looks like an "A"
& I guess this gibberish is a "B".
[shuffling around the papers randomly]
These poor constructions are at best mediocre –
doesn't that translate into a "C"?
[Gerping loudly while dealing with a particularly odious paper]
This piece of plagiarism deserves an "F"
& this document is so flaccid & lame
I cannot give it a passing grade.
[Pausing in reflection, then clearing throat]
Wait a minute!
If I grade too strictly
won't teacher evaluations fall?
Isn't it safer to give lots of "B"s
so criticisms can be stalled?
[swishing a glass of whiskey while gazing at the papers]
Even if the bulk of this trash is worthless
why not play it safe?
The less people bitch, the more I can focus
on getting rich: students adore high grades!
[the following day, when 100% sober]
. . . How often have I thought like this
& compromised my stand?
When will I confess my grading is flimsy
& integrity a rusty old can?